Mr PotatoHead's Incredible Journey
by Katja German spy
Summary: Mr. Potato-Head journeys into the infinity and beyond! BWAHAHAHAH! If you like randomness....you will be amused.....
1. The unGreat Forces

The Journey Begins  
  
Once there lived a certain plastic potato named Mr. Potato-Head. He was a very dashing potato with interchangeable facial features, wiry white arms, and adorable little blue feet (sadly no legs).  
  
He and his plastic potato wife lived in Nevada. They were a rare breed of inorganic plastic potatoes.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head decided randomly to go out and say hello to the world. "There's a lot out there for a plastic potato to see," he remarked to his wife once.  
  
So he set off into the infinity and beyond. This journey he embarked on has come to be known as MR. POTATO-HEAD"S INCREDIBLE JOURNEY!!!!!!  
  
Ch 1: The League of Extraordinary Forces  
  
One day on Mr. Potato-Head's incredible journey, he stumbled across some fearsome creatures in Iowa. They were the League of Extraordinary Great Forces of the world. *evil background music plays* These Great Forces had vowed to destroy each other 2 gabillion zillion years ago, and, well, as they're all still alive and kickin' you can see how (un)successful they've been. Occasionally, in their great effort to annihilate each other the Forces "accidentally" cause "minor" disturbances on Earth (earthquakes, flash floods, fires, tornados).  
  
The Forces were attending a meeting to discuss peace (as if that would EVER happen). When Mr. Potato-Head walked in on them, he was so surprised. In fact, he was so surprised he whipped out his "I'm so surprised"-eyebrows from his handy-dandy butt compartment.  
  
The meeting hadn't exactly gotten off to a great start. For one, AIR was Missing-In -Action. Which was sort of a problem, since he/she/it was the smart one who suggested this whole stupid party in the first place.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head went unnoticed at first, because the three remaining Forces were in heated negotiations.  
  
"All right. You guys know I could wipe you out at the slightest whim. BUT, I'm having a rare nice experience. I'll stop my plans to destroy you for the small price of, say, the whole world," DIRT said cockily.  
  
WATER: "EXCUSE ME? Since when can YOU wipe out ME at any second? What's taking you so long then, huh? HUH? You've only had 2 gabillion zillion years to do it!"  
  
DIRT: "Er.....um.....I've just been...er.....biding my time.....er.....Yeah! That's right, biding my time.......Ooh! Look! A rock!"  
  
FIRE: "This is a waste of my precious time. I will not surrender. I will conquer. I will destroy. I will burn. EVERYTHING."  
  
WATER *muttering*: "Pyro....."  
  
At this point Mr. Potato-Head spoke up. "Hello! I'm Mr. Potato-Head! I'm a potato! Nice to meet you!"  
  
DIRT, who had been intently studying the rock, jumped up. "OOH! Look! A potato! I LOVE potatoes!"  
  
FIRE, jumping wildly in ecstasy, screamed "Let's roast it! BURN, potato! BURN!"  
  
WATER: "Pyro"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head set off running (waddling, more like) on his cute little blue feet. Poor Mr. Potato-Head couldn't go very fast though, because all he had were those little feet. No legs. He shouted frantically "No! NO! Don't eat me! I'm just a PLASTIC potato! No flavor!"  
  
WATER: "That's what salt is for!"  
  
Luck was on Mr. Potato-Head's side again. He was miraculously saved by the arrival of the fourth Great Force; AIR.  
  
Air *triumphantly*: "BWA HA HA HA HA HA H AH Ahaha haha haahahah hehehehehehe ...........heheh.........heheheh..............heh...........heh......ha..............hehe...............heh.......ahem....AHEM! You have fallen for my trick! You are now trapped and I will annihilate you!"  
  
DIRT slowly looks around. "Uh, Dude, we're in an open plain. That's not exactly trapped."  
  
AIR, looking slightly put out, said simply "Oh."  
  
FIRE: "OPEN PLAIN? Why didn't anyone tell me? Open plains are the best for FIRES!" And with that FIRE stretched out his/her/it's arms and fire burst from the fingertips. The flames gobbled up the dry, starched grasses and soon the plain was ablaze as far as the eye could see.  
  
Smokey the Bear randomly popped up out of nowhere. *freaky laugh* "Fires are BAD. Do not start fires. Save the Earth. Fires are B-" He was fried to cinders as the fire reached him.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head's plastic became soft and smushy in the intense heat and he moaned softly "I'm melting..............I'm meeeeeeeelllllllllting.........!"  
  
WATER followed FIRE's actions, only water seeped forth from her/his/its fingertips, dousing the roaring fire. WATER got a LITTLE carried away, and there was about two feet standing water on the ground. (Mr. Potato-Head stood on a conveniently placed rock)  
  
Once satisfied, WATER turned to FIRE and muttered, "Pyro."  
  
FIRE fell to the ground twitching and writhing in the wetness. "My *pant* FIRE. My BEAUTIFUL flames! You killed them! You has killed the precious! Murderer! I vow to destroy you!"  
  
WATER *boredly*: "Now where have I heard that before?"  
  
Meanwhile DIRT was slowly inching towards Mr. Potato-Head, licking his/her/its lips. Mr. Potato-Head noticed and began inching away (towards more conveniently placed rocks) in the opposite direction.  
  
AIR (triumphant again): "Thank you, FIRE. You have just brought to my attention what else plains are the best for! TORNADOS!  
  
AIR jumped up into the sky and hovered there, suspended above , holding outstretched arms. Tornados swirled from AIR's fingertips and gathered around the grounded Forces in an ever-tightening circle (think X-men 2). AIR laughed insanely from above. "Now I've got you!"  
  
DIRT looked at a watch-less wrist, "Oh, look at the time! I've got tons to do! Dirt to till, earthquakes to cause......you know. It's been just wonderful meeting with you all, but I really must be getting back underground. TTFN! Tata for now!"  
  
With that said, DIRT concentrated. She/he/it clenched her/his/its fists, bent over and grunted like one who is constipated. A huge crack broke the land in half directly underneath DIRT, who dropped down into the abyss. WATER dodged the crack nimbly, but FIRE fell in shouting "HEY!!!!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head teetered on the edge of the fault. Back........and forth........and back.......and forth..... Finally, when he was leaning dangerously over the edge, mere seconds from experiencing the biggest freefall of his life, AIR once again intervened. The tornados were instructed by AIR to close in upon WATER. As they twirled in closer, Mr. Potato-Head was caught up in the rush of air and twirled about. "WEEEEEEEEEEEEE," he shouted.  
  
Upon landing he discovered, unfortunately, that he had lost his "I'm so surprised" eyebrows in the storm, as well as his shiny orange nose.  
  
The news had a field day speculating the trigger for the multitude of natural disasters that took place seemingly all at the same time that day. Over an Iowa plain, 12 tornados had occurred in basically the same spot. Even more puzzling was the earthquake that formed a fault larger and longer than the San Andreas fault of California. The state of Iowa would never again be inhabited by human life, due mostly to these natural disasters and more. A mysterious fire took place on that SAME Iowa plain, eventually consuming the entire state. It was immediately followed by the worst flash flood in history, the News People reported. Iowa will now forever remain a marshy wasteland.  
  
As a nose-less, eyebrow less Mr. Potato-Head walked on, he grumbled "I don't think I like Iowa very much."  
  
And Mr. Potato-Head's incredible journey continues on................. 


	2. FryEating Potatoes

The Fry-Eating Potatoes!  
  
People in Michigan are by far fatter than people in any other state. Don't deny it. It's true and you know it is. Especially people in Detroit are obese. Mr. Potato-Head decided to find out if the POTATOES in Detroit were anything near as fat as the people.  
  
When he crossed the border between states into Michigan the first thing that came out of his plastic lips were the words, "Brr. It's cold in here." Indeed it was cold. 10 degrees Fahrenheit and people were commenting on the warm weather.  
  
He met up with a few Detroit Potatoes and said "Wattup, dawgs?" The Detroit Potatoes (D.P.) stared at him blankly and were like, "Dogs?" "What dogs?" "We're potatoes. DUH"  
  
The D.P.'s were sitting around in an enormous wooden crate marked Crates Incorporated: we make good boxes, playing Euchre. And, indeed they were obnoxiously fat. Fatter than a potato ever should be. They were obese with a capital O.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head was intrigued. Fat Potatoes! Now he'd seen everything! Fascinated, he wondered how they could possibly attain such excessive blubber. "Take me to your leader, earthlings!" he joked. The D. P.'s were not amused. They stared at him in horror. "You mean, as in physically take you there? As in MOVING? As in us get up and walk? What planet are you from!?!" They went back to their Euchre game and ignored Mr. Potato-Head.  
  
"Fine then. I'll find the other potatoes myself," Mr. Potato-Head grumbled. He wandered around aimlessly in circles for a few hours. He kept circling a crate labeled "POTATOES UNITED: OFFICIAL HANGOUT OF POTATOES."I wonder what's in there?" he often thought. Finally he decided to take a look. It turned out to be where all the potatoes were! They really need better signs! I would have never found this place if I hadn't walked in, he thought. He strolled in and was shocked at the number of enormously overweight potatoes. "JEEZ! What in the heck do you guys EAT?" he thought (rather loudly) out loud.  
  
Unsurprisingly, a particularly fat potato nearby heard him. "Lots," he said simply, looking up from his second-breakfast. "Never would have guessed!" replied Mr. Potato-Head.  
  
Another potato, who, although this may seem impossible, was even FATTER than the one talking to Mr. Potato-Head, butted in, "Wait till you taste the pride of Detroit: FRIES!" He handed Mr. Potato-Head a greasy, smushy yellow stick that flopped. Mr. Potato-Head was disgusted. It looked gross, but then again he couldn't smell the seductive odor, because he had lost his nose in that unfortunate incident in Iowa.  
  
Nevertheless, he was a genteel plastic potato, raised to be good mannered. So he braced himself and raised the gunky stick to his mouth, expecting the worse. It hit his plastic lips, leaving grease-smudges on them. That's when he remembered he had a PLASTIC mouth that didn't open and he didn't have a tongue. O well, no loss there, he shrugged.  
  
"So....er....what are these 'fry' things made of?" he asked casually. The enormously gluttonous D.P. (short for Detroit Potato) suddenly squirmed. "Oh....er....you know.....STUFF" he answered lamely. "Uh-huh....." said Mr. Potato-Head, suspiciously.  
  
Just then a cook yelled from the kitchen, "Running low on fry supplies, boys! See any suckers? "  
  
Suddenly Mr. Potato-Head was aware of many pairs of eyeballs watching him. He felt a little apprehensive, but he couldn't think why.  
  
The D.P. was gazing at Mr. Potato-Head with renewed interest. "SO. What kind of potato are you?"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head: "Er....plastic...." He was feeling distinctly uncomfortable. On a whim he screamed "DON"T EAT ME!"  
  
The D.P.'s all viewed him sadly. "Sorry, we must choose the lesser of the weevils...ahem...EVILS. We either eat you or one of us!" "Well, you one of you guys would be tastier, and more filling, cuz no offense but you're fat."  
  
The D.P.'s shrugged. "We'll eat you first, then ourselves later." They got up (an enormous feat) and started to close in on Mr. Potato-Head. Mr. Potato-Head moved towards the door, but it was blocked. The lead D.P. said "Wait for the opportune moment, then STRIKE!"  
  
One of the potatoes jumped from the ring and started to fly towards Mr. Potato-Head in slow motion.  
  
*camera does a Matrix, stops, swerves around to another angle, then the potato continues to fly*  
  
Mr. Potato screamed. "AH"  
  
Fat sumo-wrestler potato flew.  
  
"AH"  
  
*Flying*  
  
"AH"  
  
*FLying*  
  
*SMACK* *SPLAT*  
  
The sumo-potato fell out of the air inches from Mr. Potato-Head and went splat on the ground. The whole room was covered in potato guts. "FOOOD!!!!!!!" Cried the other D.P.'s and rushed to gobble the former sumo- potato up.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head inconspicuously backed away out of the door. He kept backing away until he was outside. Then something orange and triangular hit him on the head "Ow." He panicked for a second and started to run around in little circles screaming "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" Then he noticed the piece of sky looked very familiar. "MY NOSE!" Somehow the nose that he had lost in Iowa had found him.  
  
He jumped jubilantly in the air.  
  
And fell into a hole. A hole a.k.a. sewer.  
  
CLUNK. SPLASH. Mr. Potato-Head drifted downriver in the murky sewer, suddenly not so glad to have his nose back.  
  
"I hate Detroit," he grumbled.  
  
And Mr. Potato-Head's incredible (incredibly smelly) journey continues on......... 


	3. You Are HERE

I don't want to get in trouble so just to let you know I (still) don't own any of the copyrighted material in here..... I apologize to any Hilary Duff fans in advance......  
  
Ch. 3. "You Are HERE"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head floated grumpily down the sewer. Occasionally he'd meet a triumphant gold fish who would cry, "All drains lead to the ocean!" Mr. Potato-Head was becoming increasingly grimy. His beautiful sleek, plastic skin was becoming dark, gooey and just plain gross.  
  
He eventually found himself inside a water-treatment plant. He got caught in a filter along with a bunch of shiny objects, including a ring. A freakish gray creature suddenly pounced on the ring crying "The PRECIOUS! We has found the PRECIOUS!"  
  
A water-treatment worker rushed over with a fly-swatter and yelled "Shoo! SHOO!" and swatted at the weird gray creature. The creature ran out cackling "We has it! We has got the precious!"  
  
The worker turned around and spotted Mr. Potato-Head "WHOA that is one big tur-" "Hello," Mr. Potato-Head interrupted. "AHHHH! IT LIVES!" The worker shrieked. He started shouting and running around the building hysterically.  
  
The water-treatment plant had a lot of big, expensive shiny equipment. The worker ran into it. CRASH. Bye-bye shiny equipment!  
  
The hysterical man ran into the phone. The phone said "Watch it, Buster!" The man frantically dialed 911. "AHH! HELP ME THERE"S A TALKING TUR-" He was interrupted by the prerecorded voice. "You have reached 911." The worker did a double-take, "really?" "Yes," answered the prerecorded voice. "If you have an emergency, press 1. If you want to CREATE an emergency, press 2 to hear Hilary Duff music." The worker man, having completely forgotten Mr. Potato-Head, was excited, "OOO! BUTTONS!" The guy pressed random numbers, including 2.  
  
'Why Not?' by Hilary Duff played through the phone. The worker dropped the receiver and fell slowly to the floor, twitching. He moaned, and started to writhe and bubble. He went transparent and became Agent Smith.  
  
"Give me the codes," demanded Agent Smith. "The codes to what?" asked a bewildered Mr. Potato-Head. "The codes to Animal Crossing!" replied an angry Agent Smith. "NO! MY free-from-the-internet cheat codes!" cried Mr. Potato-Head.  
  
Randomly, Agent Smith warped into TWO Agent Smiths. "I am Agent Smith," said the new one. "No, I am Agent Smith!" insisted the old one. "Do you wanna take this outside?" threatened the second Agent Smith. "No, let's finish this right here." The two went into a furious battle using an array of physically impossible yet classically Matrix moves.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head got bored watching the excellent show of battle skills, and hopped out of the filter. He rolled across the floor. And out the door.  
  
It was a terribly sunny day. The sun hurt his eyes, so he took them off and stashed them in his handy-dandy butt compartment. Unfortunately, then he couldn't see anything. So he walked along the street bumping into things until he finally gave up and put back on his eyes.  
  
"I wonder where I am?" Mr. Potato-Head thought aloud. Then he noticed a sign. It read "YOU ARE HERE." "Oh! Thanks! Now I know I'm here!"  
  
So Mr. Potato-Head set off to explore here, and found himself in an alleyway. Stretched crisscrossing above him were many clothes lines, undergarments waving in the breeze. One crisp white pair of underpants broke free of the clothespins and drifted gently towards the ground. It landed gracefully in a heap on Mr. Potato-Head's head.  
  
"HEY YOU!" someone yelled from behind. Mr. Potato-Head turned around to see a guy wearing a neat black suit and tie running towards him. He was wearing sunglasses too, that read "MICKEY MOUSE IS MY HERO" on the sides. "I'm with the FBI. Agent 001. You are under arrest." "For what?" asked a confused Mr. Potato-Head. "You bear a strong resemblance to Osama bin Laden, with that turban on. You are under arrest for being a terrorist." "Turban? This is a pair of underpants!" "Don't play funny with me, Mr. Terrorist!"  
  
Agent 001 began to drag Mr. Potato-Head off. Up in the sky, he could here a small plane. The plane swooped down, and Mr. Potato-Head could see it was driven by two mice. Agent Smith was astounded and he let go of Mr. Potato- Head with his jaw hanging down.  
  
"Jump in!" Cried the two little mice. "Uh....WHO are YOU?" asked Mr. Potato- Head. "We're the rescuers, with the United Nations of Mice. We have two Disney movies, aren't we special?" "Uh....yeah...." Mr. Potato-Head hopped into the plane and whipped off his turban/underpants. "Where are we headed?" he asked. "Who cares?" they answered.  
  
The plane zoomed off into the unknown. Mr. Potato-Head didn't like the wind on his eyes, so he took them off again, and stored them in his handy-dandy butt compartment.  
  
So Mr. Potato-Head continues on his journey blind to the dangers ahead (literally)............ 


	4. Perfetly Pink Atlantis

Ch. 4 Perfectly Pink Atlantis  
  
"This is your captain speaking. Please fasten your seatbelts and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle. We will be experiencing minor turbulence," said one of the mice (the one who was flying obviously). Mr. Potato-Head looked wildly around for the seatbelt and couldn't find it. Then he realized that MAYBE he couldn't find it because he wasn't wearing his eyes. "DOY!" he said aloud and snatched them out of his handy-dandy butt compartment.  
  
With his newly restored sight he noticed a sign where his seatbelt should have been. "This seatbelt is currently out of service. Sorry for the inconvenience." Mr. Potato-Head poked the mouse in front of him, "Uh....excuse me....uh...I don't think....my seatbelt..." He poked more insistently. The mouse turned around and yelled, "STOP IT WILL YOU!? Do you have an Obsessive Compulsive Poking Disorder?!?!"  
  
Just then they hit the "minor" turbulence. Mr. Potato-Head learned first- hand what the words motion sickness mean. He was bounced up....and down......and up........and down...and UP.....and down and down and down and down and suddenly Mr. Potato-Head realized he was falling through the air.  
  
He was speeding towards a dark ship with black sails. The ship was swarming with moving skeletons who were loading and shooting cannons aimed at a coastal town. Smoke filled the air with each shot. One of the cannons was facing upwards. Mr. Potato-Head fell inside it neatly.  
  
"It's kinda dark in here," he said to no one in particular. Suddenly someone stuff a hard black ball with a lit fuse on the end of it inside the cannon. "Why thank you!" said Mr. Potato-Head, delighted to be able to see.  
  
BOOM! Mr. Potato-Head and the cannon went flying through the air. Mr. Potato-Head was now going UP and UP and UP and back down......  
  
He fell into the plane with the mice. One of them turned around and said "Didn't I tell you to wear your seatbelt?" "BUT....I ....there wasn't....but....O NEVER MIND!"  
  
"Hey!" The other one said randomly, "It's Friday the 13th and a storm is brewing! Perfect conditions for flying over the Bermuda Triangle! Let's go!" "Yippee!" shouted Mr. Potato-Head (he was just glad the turbulence was over).  
  
By the time the plane reached the center of the Bermuda Triangle, the storm was going full throttle. Mr. Potato-Head was once again enjoying motion sickness. Gagging, he leaned over the edge of the plane....and fell out.  
  
He hurtled spinning towards the sea below, catching glimpses of a whirlpool forming below him, and flashes of pink light. Pink light? He wondered miserably. He landed in the whirlpool (think giant toilet being flushed) and swirled round and round (yet more motion sickness).  
  
The bottom of the giant toilet bowl, ahem, I mean, whirlpool, he found himself in a giant tube. He floated along enjoying the scenery. He was certain he saw two fish swimming round in circles talking: "P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Lane, Sydney. P. Sherman ...." "I know we took a wrong turn, I just KNOW it!" "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."  
  
Suddenly Mr. Potato-Head was blinded by pink light. He blinked and tried to clear his head. The first thing he saw was shiny white smiling teeth. The teeth were attached to a plastic shiny head. The head was attached to a weirdly proportioned body; abnormally long legs, impossibly small waist, HUGE round....um...things (hey, this IS rated G) above the waist. It was dressed in a hot pink dress suit.  
  
"Hi, I'm Capital Barbie!" the body said energetically, smile still creepily fixed on its face, "Welcome to Atlantis!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head looked around. Somehow, he had never imagined Atlantis so....pink. Not to mention it was full of plastic supermodels with creepy smiles pasted on their faces.  
  
A bright pink convertible drove up, complete with a smiling blonde driver. "Hey, I'm Tour Guide Barbie! I'll be your personal tour guide on your scenic trip around Atlantis! Hop in and we'll get started!" Tour Guide Barbie was sickeningly spunky and cheerful. But Mr. Potato-Head was attracted to her Bubble Gum Pink car, so he got in, stroking the sides lovingly.  
  
Tour Guide Barbie took off at a frighteningly fast speed (more motion sickness). Tour-Guide kept up a steady commentary as they whizzed through the city.  
  
"AndtoyourleftthereisthePerfectlyPinkParkwhereeverythingispinkandthereisthep erfectlypinkproductionpartershipandtoyourrightisthemonumenttoScientistBarbie whodiscoveredthecolorpinkandoverthereisthePerfectlyPinkPalacewhereMayorBarbi elivesshesverybusytryingtopassabilltochangeournamefromAtlantistoPerfectlyPin kPlacebutIamsureshewillwanttomeetyou!"  
  
She said this all in one breath. Mr. Potato-Head just smiled and nodded, while trying to fight the urge to puke.  
  
Tour-Guide pulled up the Perfectly Pink Palace with a screeching stop. Another peppy Barbie met them at the doors. "I'm Mayor Barbie, and welcome to the fine city of Atlantis."  
  
They stepped into the building where background music blared, "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie woooorld, I am made of plastic...Isn't that fantastic?....You can brush my hair...undress me anywhere..."  
  
Another Barbie crept up behind Mayor Barbie. She had the now familiar creepy smile but not the perky aura surrounding her like the others.  
  
"You are the One," she said dramatically to Mr. Potato-Head. "Sorry? One what?" he asked, confused. "You are the One," she answered.  
  
Mayor Barbie shook her head sadly, "She's Matrix Barbie. That's all she can say." "You are the One." "See what I mean?"  
  
Mayor turned back to Mr. Potato-Head and said, "We're much honored to be visited by a plastic potato, but your lack of pink is disturbing. In order to stay here you must pledge your allegiance to Pink and be spray painted in Hot Pink permanent spray-paint." Mr. Potato-Head considered. "Hmm....being pink for the rest of my life sounds fine to me, but does it have to be Hot Pink? I'm really not all that terribly fond of Hot Pink. I'm really more partial to.....Bubble Gum Pink!" He glanced lovingly at the convertible parked outside.  
  
"No. It must be Hot Pink."  
  
"What about Tickle-Me-Pink?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Magenta?"  
  
"NO"  
  
"....Neon..?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"What about...."  
  
"You know what? Never mind. You're too annoying to stay here at Atlantis," Mayor Barbie declared, her creepy smile looking slightly strained. "In fact, I'm sending you as far from this place as possible. You can go to Mars."  
  
"In a shuttle?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"A pink shuttle?"  
  
"YES"  
  
"O....Hot pink?" "YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!" (Smile was VERY strained now).  
  
A new perky Barbie popped up, in a fluffy pink spacesuit. "Hello! I'm Astronaut Barbie! I'll be your pilot today!"  
  
"Is Mars pink? Bubbly Gum Pink? Cuz I really don't like Hot P-"  
  
Mayor Barbie reached over and tugged off Mr. Potato-Head's mouth. She handed it to Astronaut Barbie. "He can have it back when he's nowhere near me!"  
  
So the now silent Mr. Potato-Head boarded the space shuttle to Mars (which was, to his dismay, Hot Pink). He strapped himself in grudgingly to the Hot Pink chairs using Hot Pink seatbelts.  
  
As the Space Shuttle pulled out of Atlantis, Mr. Potato-Head, for the fifth time that day, experienced motion sickness. To sooth him, Flight Attendant Barbie put on a movie. "Yay! I love Pocahontas!" Mr. Potato-Head said with his newly recovered mouth. Then he realized the tape was filmed in Hot Pink.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
And Mr. Potato-Head's painfully pink journey continues on............ 


	5. Lord of the Spork

Author's Note: This is for you, Kristal! You wanted something about forks!  
  
Disclaimer: And while I do own my own set of forks and spoons, alas, I have no supply of sporks. You know what? I'm not really sure of the point of doing a disclaimer....cuz OBVIOUSLY it's on fanfiction.net which means that DUH I'm using things i don't own.  
  
Ch. 5 Lord of the Spork  
  
"Time for lunch!"  
  
No response.  
  
Radiating energy, smile shimmering, Flight Attendant Barbie set down the lunch tray in front of Mr. Potato-Head. He was staring blankly at the T.V. his eyes vacant and hollow, drool dripping slowly from his open jaw.  
  
"Uh...Sir...are you all right?"  
  
"I. See. DEAD people!"  
  
Flight Attendant Barbie glanced at the T.V. The spaceship had only two movies, Pocahontas in Pink and Gods and Generals. Mr. Potato-Head had been watching them for the entire 6 month voyage. Right now he was re-watching Gods and Generals for the 1,654,236,234, 346th time.  
  
"Er, yes, that WOULD be a pile of rotting corpses on the screen... I think we've had enough T.V. time for today," she said gently, turning off the T.V. with the Hot Pink remote control. "Time for something yummy in your tummy!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head snapped to attention. "Arewethereyetarewethereyetarewethereyet?" he whined. "NO!" Composing herself, Flight Attendant Barbie added in a milder tone, "Astronaut Barbie thinks we may have missed a turn..."  
  
Mr. Potato-Head picked up a spork from his plate and asked indignantly, "How could you miss a whole friggin PLANET?"  
  
CRASH.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head jumped up and ran to the sole window. Outside he could see they had rammed straight into a cubical planet twice the mass of Earth. "Sorry, I didn't see it!" came Astronaut Barbie's voice from the cockpit.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head suddenly understood how they had missed Mars.  
  
"I've never been on a cubed planet before! This calls for exploring!" He jumped out and found the ground pleasantly squishy.  
  
He read a nearby billboard "WELCOME TO UTENSILA. Population: Getting Smaller."  
  
"I wonder why that is," Mr. Potato-Head mused aloud. He trekked up a mushy hill, trying not to lose his shoes in the purplish ooze.  
  
The scene that confronted him at the top of the hill was awe-inspiring; Forks battling spoons. He observed the forks first, who were pouncing on the spoons, and stabbing them repeatedly with their pointy ends. The spoons were handier at long-rage fighting. They used themselves as catapults firing missiles into the ranks of the forks.  
  
His eyes caught a separate duel between a lone spoon and fork. The fork knocked the spoon down and apparently killed him. "I win! He's dead!" he sang triumphantly.  
  
"No...I'm not dead yet..." the spoon uttered weakly from the ground. The fork viewed him contemptibly, "Well, you're mortally wounded!"  
  
"No, actually *spoon sits up* I'm feeling quite a bit better!"  
  
Randomly, a bomb hit near them and blew both to bits, so they were BOTH dead.  
  
"WHOA COOL!" Mr. Potato-Head exclaimed rather loudly.  
  
Everything stopped. *crickets chirping*  
  
As one, each piece of silverware turned to face Mr. Potato-Head.  
  
"POTATO!" One yelled excitedly. A tidal wave of silverware surged towards him. "Forks are best for eating potatoes!" "NO spoons!"  
  
"AH! Don't fracture me into infinitesimal unpalatable quantities of synthetic material!"  
  
The masses of eating utensils paused in their stampede, perplexed by the sudden stream of complicated words. When they finally worked out the meaning of Mr. Potato-Head's plea, they said impatiently, "Give us one good reason!"  
  
"Uh..Cuz..." Mr. Potato-Head spotted the spork still clutched in his hand. "Cuz I have a spork!" He waved it threateningly at them.  
  
A collective gasp went around the group. "Is it possible?" "It is fork, and yet at the same time a spoon?!?" "All hail the spork!"  
  
The utensils fell down prostrate at Mr. Potato-Head's feet.  
  
"All hail the spork!" they chanted, thier voices rescinding from an awed whisper to an ecstatic shout. "ALL HAIL THE SPORK!"  
  
From behind came a voice so evil it would cause even the bravest of men to pee in their pants and go scurrying to their mommies wailing.  
  
Fortunately, there were no men here, so when the sinister voice sounded, "What the @#^! is going on here!?!?" the utensils merely cowered humbly (they continued to meekly chant "all hail the spork" under their breaths though). One brave (and foolish) soul ventured forth, "It is a spork, o great master, both spoon in fork in one handy utensil!" The evil thing promptly zapped him.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head turned to get a better view of this dastardly villain. It appeared to be a large black fork, clad in a black cape and an unnecessarily large helmet. The fork strode over to Mr. Potato-Head and snatched the spork up. "Well I'll be darned! I mean...ahem...I, Dark Fork say this two-in-one spork is inferior to the almighty fork! I, Dark Fork, will defeat the spork in an epic, forever-to-be-remembered, battle!"  
  
*group gasp from the forks and spoons*  
  
Dark Fork picked up the nearest spoon and brandished it like a sword. Mr. Potato-Head waved his spork around high above his head in intricate spinning motions like a ninja shouting, "Hooyahhhh!"  
  
He dropped the spork.  
  
"CUT!" A squat fat little man with a serious uni-brow issue marched into the middle of the battle. "Why aren't you using the light sabers? What happened to all the huge star-ships and high-tech weaponry?" Dark Fork looked at him loathingly. "STUPID! This isn't Star Wars! That's being filmed on the next planet over!" "o....continue on then!"  
  
A weaponless Mr. Potato-Head faced Dark Fork. "Prepare to become Swiss- cheese!" Dark Fork thrust the fork into Mr. Potato-Head.  
  
It broke on Mr. Potato-Head's hard plastic body.  
  
Dark Fork tossed the remains aside. "Cheap plastic ....."  
  
Mr. Potato-Head picked up his spork and pointed it at Dark Fork. "I win."  
  
"Are you sure you want to kill me, plastic potato? Are you aware of who I am?"  
  
"Er...a sadistic sinister villainous fork with a helmet that is seriously too big?"  
  
"There is NOTHING wrong with my helmet! I mean...no. I am really your wife's aunt's nephew's son's father's great-uncle twice removed's friend's husband's monkey!"  
  
"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Mr. Potato-Head fell to the ground twitching and writhing. Then he stopped. "Wait....Did you just say you were a monkey?"  
  
Dark Fork squirmed. "Uh...no."  
  
"Yes you did! He said he was a monkey!"  
  
*another group gasp*  
  
"I AM NOT A MONKEY!"  
  
"KILL THE MONEKY!" The spoons and forks cried.  
  
As the spoons and forks chased him away, Dark Fork shouted, "Curses! Foiled again! The 5th time I was poised to take over a world and my identity was exposed by a potato!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head was left standing alone. "Well, that was odd," he decided.  
  
He began to skip and frolic in on the hilltop, weaving between the corpses of dead forks and spoons lying rotting on the ground. He contentedly sang the Dummy Bears theme song, "Sing the Happy HAPPY happy HAPPY happy HAPPY song! Sing the Happy HAPPY happy HAPPY happy HAPPY song! Sing..."  
  
He skipped right into a random hole in the ground. As he fell, (and fell and fell and fell) still in the singing mood he sang, "This is the hole that never ends, and it goes on and on my friends! I fell into this hole, not seeing where it was, and I'll continue falling here forever just because this is the hole that never ends...."  
  
So a musical Mr. Potato-Head continues his journey downward................... 


	6. Jurassic Wedding

Ahem. You will notice that certain people's names seem to be misspelled. I have done this on purpose. I think the new names fit well. And I am sure everyone will know exactly who I'm talking about.  
  
Ch. 6 Jurassic Wedding  
  
PLOP "Oof!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head landed roughly, and face-first, on the less-than-soft- ground. He looked around. There was no sign of the hole that had brought him here. He suspected he was no where near UTENSILA anymore.  
  
Then again, it was hard to tell as he seemed to have a large black line running through his line of vision. He reached up to feel his eyeballs. "Cheap plastic! They cracked!" Ruffled, he through them down on the ground and took out replacement eyes from his handy-dandy butt compartment. Only, they were his angry eyes, so he now wore a permanent scowl.  
  
He glanced around at his surroundings and noticed a bush. "AHA!" he cried, and pounced on the unsuspecting plant. "You wouldn't happen to have any idea how I got here, would you?" he questioned in what he thought was a sly manner.  
  
The bush said nothing.  
  
"Oh, giving me the silent treatment, are we? Well I can fix that!" He jumped onto the defenseless bush and started ripping and tearing.  
  
Deep voice over: "But Mr. Potato-Head didn't know that the bush was secretly poison ivy in the form of a bush!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head looked up. "Poison ivy?" He suddenly felt a tingling sensation in his arms. It spread quickly to the rest of his body. He sprang up. "ITCHY! AHH THE ITCHY! GET IT OFF!" Frantically scratching he ran in a zigzag pattern. Until he ran straight into a tree.  
  
SMACK.  
  
He rubbed his forehead and looked up at the tree, irritated. "Hey! Watch where you're going! And I don't suppose you would know how I got here either?"  
  
"ROAR!"  
  
The scowling Mr. Potato-Head blinked. Did that tree just roar at me?  
  
He slowly looked up to the top of the tree. He discovered the tree was attached to a very large body which was below an enormous head filled with many very pointy teeth. The tree was not a tree at all, just one of the legs of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  
  
*Gulp* Mr. Potato-Head smiled weakly at the monster. "Heh...heh...I'll just be going now..."  
  
He sprinted away. From the way the Earth was violently shaking behind him, he guessed that either DIRT was having a little fun with earthquakes or the T-rex was right behind him.  
  
He ran to a bridge, but before he could cross a knight popped up. "Before you cross this bridge, you must answer my questions three!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head looked worriedly at the dinosaur rushing towards them. "Uh I don't exactly have a lot of time here!"  
  
"Ok. Then just answer this. What is the airspeed velocity of a swallow carrying a coconut?"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head shifted from adorable blue foot to adorable blue foot. "Umm.....I don't think they can carry coconuts. Aren't they too small?"  
  
"CORRECT! You may pass!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head ran across wondering if he had even answered the question.  
  
Behind him he heard the dino reach the bridge.  
  
"What is your favorite color?"  
  
"ROAR!"  
  
*CRUNCH*  
  
Mr. Potato-Head had the distinct feeling that knight wouldn't be asking any more stupid questions.  
  
As he ran he noticed a crowd gathered. He ran towards them, hoping to lose the T-Rex in the crowd. As he approached an annoying reporter jumped in his face.  
  
"Today we are gathered at the reopened Jurassic Park to witness the marriage of Barfy Spears to a dinosaur! The first ever bi-species marriage between human and dino! The guest list is exotic, including creatures like this rare plastic potato standing next to me! Would you like to comment, sir?"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head used his angry eyes to scowl at him and the reporter decided to bother someone else.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head, feeling hungry, wandered over to the buffet table. Behind him, the T-Rex had arrived. He was tearing the crowd apart (literally). Obviously he was not shy of crowds.  
  
The annoying reporter hurried over to the dino.  
  
"Not everyone was invited, and it seems one ignored soul wants to have his say. What do you have to say sir? Did it hurt to be rejected? Do you still feel the pain? RELEASE YOUR ANGER! How would you like an appointment with Soap-Oprah to express your grief on national T.V.?"  
  
"ROAR!"  
  
*CRUNCH*  
  
One more useless soul gone from the face of the Earth.  
  
While the T-Rex made his way through the crowd, Mr. Potato-Head made his way through the buffet table. He came across some cheeses with sayings written on them. He picked up one that said "EAT ME." Bwahahaha! If I eat this it will make me HUGE and I can smash the world to tiny bits!  
  
Filled with evil thoughts and listening to Barfy Spears singing to the T- Rex ("Bite me, Rexy, One more time!"), Mr. Potato-Head gracefully stuffed the cheese in his pie hole.  
  
The world went blue....then green...then pink with green spots......and he was falling....spinning...doing the polka....  
  
So, thanks to the cheese wedge that was secretly a portal to another place, Mr. Potato-Head's Incredible Journey continues on....... 


	7. Cucumber

Um. Hi again, from me! Sorry this one took so long, I was practicing being a Professional Procrastinator. Yes. So. Here it is. Chapter seven. I think darkraven especially will like this one. Hehehehehe.... A Word to the Wise: India is NOT an island.  
LEAVE REVIEWS! *twitch* *twitch* *goes into convusions*  
  
Ch 7 Cucumber!  
  
When the colors finally stopped swirling about his head, Mr. Potato-Head took a while to notice. Finally it struck him that the room really WAS purple. And there was a funny scent in the air. He sniffed. Was it, yes it was ...Lilac?  
  
He inspected himself. Just as he suspected. Not an inch taller. "Rip off," he muttered about the EAT ME cheese.  
  
Someone strolled down the narrow violently violet corridor. A man very reminiscent of the FBI agent Mr. Potato-Head had had the pleasure to meet earlier. Only.....there was a purple tint to his clothes and an odd odor surrounding him. Lilies?  
  
The man saw Mr. Potato-Head and stopped, gawking with an open mouth. Losing his normal intimidating composure, he exclaimed, "DUDE! How did you get into the top-secret corridor of the top-secret building of the top-secret branch of the CIA?"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head blinked.  
  
The guy realized what he just said and growled, "You didn't hear that."  
  
"Yes, I did"  
  
"No, you didn't"  
  
"Yes, I did"  
  
"That's just what they want you to think!"  
  
Baffled, Mr. Potato-Head asked, "Who's they?"  
  
The man didn't answer. He merely took a piece of purple chalk from his coat pocket, drew a circle on the wall. The circle filled out, the colors hinting of another world through the shape. The man gestured pointedly at the circle.  
  
"Where does that go?"  
  
"Somewhere over the rainbow"  
  
"I don't like bows"  
  
The man grabbed a shiny object from his coat pocket. He thrust it in Mr. Potato-Head's face crying, "FEAR THE GARLAND!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head panicked, trying to evade the evil Christmas decoration. He hurried to his only escape - the hole in the wall.  
  
He jumped through, relieved to have escaped the garland. Only then did he realize he had been tricked. "STUPID GARAND!" he yelled to the air rushing up at him.  
  
He dropped roughly in front of a uniform brick building. In front of him was a stern lady with a tight bun and a boring grey suit dress. She was wearing that fake nice smile that only fools parents and standing next to a sign that read "WELCOME TO SCHOOL."  
  
"NO! I"M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" Screamed Mr. Potato-Head. The teacher kept smiling. "Why do you smile, lady? Everyone knows school is in the heart of hel-"  
  
Behind one of the windows in the brick building, two teachers watched while sipping sugar-less carb-free caffeine-enriched alcohol-high coffee. They bemusedly watched Mr. Potato-Head yell at their poster board teacher. "How long till you think he figures out she's a piece of painted cardboard?" One asked the other. The other smirked and added more vodka to her coffee. "Oh, I'd give him till the end of the next period."  
  
Outside, Mr. Potato-Head was ranting at the teacher. "Nightmares are created here! Science! German! *gasp* ALGEBRA!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head made full use of his lungs as he ran top-speed away from the school at the thought of being forced to find the square root of x and y. He ran straight into a man in a pair of tight plaid pants, apparently made of spandex. The guy held out a hand to stop Mr. Potato-Head and spoke in a phony French accent with just a hint of a Turkish slur.  
  
"Zat voice! Eet ees zo magneefeecant! Zo powarfool! Pleez, do eet ageen!"  
  
"What, scream? Like this? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head wasn't entirely sure what the French/Turkish guy was asking, but looking at the blissful picture on the guy's face as Mr. Potato- Head made full use of his lungs, he was pretty sure the guy HAD asked him to scream. What a weirdo.  
  
"Come viz me! Talant like ziz cannot go undeescovaaared!"  
  
Mr. Potato-Head followed the odd man, happy to be heading away from the dreaded school. He turned around for a last taunting smirk at the teacher. He made a face; tongue protruding and wiggling around, eyes crossed, and singing "NAH NAH NAH NAH BOO BOO!"  
  
To his shock, a sudden wind knocked the teacher over, and she lay flat on the ground. Mr. Potato-Head's eyes grew wide, and he quickly looked around to make sure no one had seen. "I killed her," he whispered in awe to himself.  
  
He hurried after the spandex-wearing man, past hordes of sign-wearing crowds, and into a building. Upon entering, a man handed him his own sign like the ones the people in the crowds were wearing. "That is your randomly chosen identification number," the man said in a bored voice. The sign said "Hi! I'm ONPOT." "Hey....Those are letters, not numbers," Mr. Potato-Head pointed out. "That's just what they want you to think!" Mr. Potato-Head blinked. Now where had he heard THAT before?  
  
He took a seat on a bench filled with other sign-bearers. They too, had randomly chosen number: "Hi! I'm SOGAY" "Hi! I'm PYSCO" "Hi! I'm HORNY" and so on.  
  
A girl came out with a bright yellow clipboard and called his "number". Mr. Potato-Head followed her into a brightly lit room with a small stage set up in front of a table. The table was occupied by none other than Larry the Cucumber, Bob the Tomato, and Bob the Builder!  
  
"Welcome to Cucumber Idol! You sing, we tell you how bad you are! Got it? And if you aren't too horrible, and you win, you get turned into a CUCUMBER!" Larry the Cucumber exclaimed proudly.  
  
Mr. Potato-Head asked, "Why would anyone want to be a cucumber?"  
  
"SILENCE!" Larry jumped up and glared at Mr. Potato-Head. "Ok, ok, don't be such a sour pickle," Mr. Potato-Head grumbled.  
  
"SING," Larry growled. The two Bobs just sat there smiling. Mr. Potato-Head went into an impressive alternate version of "My Heart Will Go On"  
  
"Every other night in your dreams, I stalk you, I kill you! That is how I know who you are....Near, Far, Where EVER you hide, I will find you and take out my knife!"  
  
He sang this in an incredibly high and girlish voice. Larry scowled at him and said, "Your voice sux, cucumber hater!"  
  
Bob the Builder said merrily, "We can fix it!"  
  
Everyone else in the room screamed "NO WE CAN"T!"  
  
Larry maliciously pressed the EJECT button next to his chair. "Good bye, cucumber hater!"  
  
The stage sprang up and shot Mr. Potato-Head up and through the ceiling. The stage bounced up and down on its uncoiled spring. Two workers rushed over, pushed it flat down on the ground and strapped the stage to the floor.  
  
It looked as if nothing had happened. Larry smiled sweetly, composed himself and yelled "NEXT!"  
  
And Mr. Potato-Head's Journey continues on......and he might just have a concussion from breaking through the ceiling....... 


End file.
